[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
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Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.