Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
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Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
The only equipped I am is ill.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.