Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
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Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Art by Pastelkatto
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used