Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
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liiiiiiiiike
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post