If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
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FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
For the baby who has everything
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now