If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
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What an awful time to have common sense.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Employees must applaud the planets.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
road rage
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn