[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
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“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.