In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
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Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
My beach vacation Google searches
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too