me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
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Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Said the murderer.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
.. do you even science?
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…