I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
You Might Also Like
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?