‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
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when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
this country is so goddamn polarized
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
my astrological sign is a french fry
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!