Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
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(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Goodnight 🐶
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
The three genders.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.