all bases covered
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If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.