*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
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If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
My wife gives the best headache.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.