My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
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it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
my name if I was in the mob
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger