Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
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Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Salad is the decaf of food.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Just a bush.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious