Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
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If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Good news
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?