2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
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5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%