Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
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5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.