When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
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Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy