I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
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[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.