[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
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Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing