my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
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Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.