Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
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[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.