*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
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Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.