[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
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yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
…..pretty much.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault