Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
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I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?