Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
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People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic