Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
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[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Acronyms got me like WTF?
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.