Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
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I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone