her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
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[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
🤣😂🤣
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
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A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.