my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
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my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”