What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
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There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
The first matador
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.