Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
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An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
This did not end as expected.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK