Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
You Might Also Like
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.