Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
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Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?