HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
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So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.