I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
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Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.