[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
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H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Imagine having a party on purpose.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
A woman drives into a bar.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
#Caturday
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house