my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
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Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
The photographer’s assistant
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.