My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
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Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so