Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
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A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
That’s a good costume, I hope.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus