Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
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My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*