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[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?