When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
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Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.