Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
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I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
There’s only one good girl here!
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?