*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
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it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*