My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
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Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
My work here is done
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.