doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
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I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail