me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
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*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him